Over the last few weeks, I’ve shared a little about being raised in purity + courtship culture. I realize that purity culture alone wasn’t nearly as strict compared to when you merge it with courtship culture (our specific circle of courtship was no touching, no hanging out with opposite genders just as friends, always being chaperoned, etc. – even if you were 40).

I understand the draw of the purity + courtship culture as the pendulum swinging from the s3xual revolution in the 60s, and parents wanted to teach their children to follow the Biblical guidelines of saving s3x for marriage.

What made the pendulum swing even worse was when you had very sheltered homeschool teens who took the teaching to the next level. Namely, girls like me.

I was legitimately innocent and ignorant, so when I heard teachers talk vaguely about sins, I filled in the blanks with my very G-rated mind. Having talked with many friends, I know I’m not alone in this.

As I’m growing as a Christian and my understanding of what the Bible really teaches, I don’t want to “throw the baby out with the bathwater,” but I HAD to evaluate where the flaws were in the courtship + purity culture mindset I was raised with, otherwise, I really think I wouldn’t be married today.

Here are four mindsets I heard from preachers and peers that I’ve had to disentangle from.

Lie #1) You “give your heart away” every time you date

Taken from Proverbs 4:23, “Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life,” the teaching was to “keep your heart, because once you give parts of it away, you can’t get it back.”

While I’m sure the original context of this idea was that every time you have s3x you “give your heart away” (which is a harmful teaching alone, because I never heard the balance that God heals the broken-hearted), I have also heard it in context of every man you kiss OR think about is “giving your heart away.”

This mindset is harmful because of the fear it perpetuated. I had to work hard to not self-sabotage my early dating relationship, because I was so protective over “giving my heart away” to someone who wouldn’t be my husband, that it felt like a sin to actually fall in love with someone who was proving to be trustworthy with all green flags.

Lie #2) You can “do your husband good” even before marriage.

This was taken from Proverbs 31:12, “She will do him good and not evil, ALL the days of her life.” (added: “even before she is married!”)

First, this put a hyper focus on marriage that wasn’t healthy to me as a teen. Instead of just focusing on following God and obeying the Bible in love for Him, I would evaluate whether or not having a crush on a guy was “doing my husband harm” (forget if it was distracting me from God; that wasn’t important *cue heavy sarcasm*).

Second, I believe this verse means when you’re married, you’re seeking the good of your husband, not trying to harm him. Which makes it so much simpler and straightforward and removes the weight and stress of singleness.

Lie #3) Having a crush is coveting another woman’s husband.

Taken from the Ten Commandments, the idea was that if you’re crushing on a guy, you’re crushing on someone else’s husband. If you kiss a guy you won’t marry, you’ve kissed someone else’s husband.

It equated the sins of f*rnication and adult3ry (s3x outside of marriage) with holding hands, having non-s3xual thoughts about someone, and kissing.

Which then led many girls to have a hyper sensitive conscience over chaste physical contact or crushes and feel extreme guilt over something that God doesn’t declare as sin.

The reality is: if a girl and guy are single, they are not someone else’s wife or husband.

Lie #4) Ruth is a story of purity + courtship

It was only last year I heard the quote, “Ruth is not a story for women any more than Joel is a story for men.” (Jen Wilkin) Yes, as women we can maybe identify from the “women’s books” in the Bible, but the Bible as a whole was written to the church as a whole.

I’ve read entire books that took Ruth as the guideline for how to date and stay pure until marriage. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: this is just an example of taking Scripture out of context to fit your own agenda.

Yes, Ruth is a beautiful story. But it is about Ruth choosing to follow God, not Ruth finding a husband. It definitely is NOT a promise that “if you follow God, He’ll give you a husband.”

Why I’m still disentangling from these lies as a married woman

My whole journey away from a strict courtship + purity culture was never because I wanted permission to sin. It was because I wanted freedom from fear and shame that God never designed for His children.

Some might ask why I’m still talking about this, now that I’m married.

The truth is, I’m still processing the mindset behind the teachings. I thought for years that I was “following the Spirit” or “learning the Bible,” but instead, I was actually putting a fence around my conscience and misusing the Bible to apply it to my specific situation.

It has been a challenge to figure out where I’m just following rules vs. actually living by the Spirit. It is also scary to journey into a new understanding of Scripture and wonder if I’m going too far from its original intent. But, as I said last week, God is faithful and I’m so grateful that when we truly seek Him, He leads us gently.

I’d love to hear your perspective. Can you relate, or was your experience different? Was there a Bible verse you once understood differently or took out of context? What healthy mindsets are you clinging to now?

This is just a little of the heart behind what I write. My characters are genuine Christians who try to follow God and the Bible … while, of course, falling in love. ;) If that’s what you like to read, Coasts & Coworkers is releasing this Friday (with bonus material)!

My Tuesday series is a reflection on how I’m unlearning purity culture & legalism, rediscovering God’s design for romance, and writing clean, Christian beach romances. If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is now available to newsletter subscribers! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. Sign up for my newsletter to get updates & read Coasts & Coworkers (Book 1) free!

Or, if you want Coasts & Coworkers with the bonus historical letters, journal, and family history, pre-order it on Amazon (it releases this Friday!).

I was dating when I suddenly realized that Proverbs 4:23 (“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out if it are the issues of life”) was not speaking to singles about “guarding their hearts” against romantic feelings.

Literally, my entire teenage-twenties-early thirties, I applied it one way, and one way only.

That is just one of many verses that I’m now learning I’ve understood wrong for decades.

I was taught to read my Bible daily at a young age. Two important truths were drilled into me. First, “the three best ways to interpret the Bible are: context, context, context.” Second, “the Bible applies to every aspect of life.” While these are not completely wrong, I definitely misunderstood some things.

I have journals upon journals of my daily Bible time where I wrote out “devotional thoughts” that I gleaned from the Scripture. Because I so firmly believed that every day, God had something specific for me to follow in His Word, I was on the lookout for any verse I could apply to my life for that day.

Yes, I did try to consider context. I read the verses before and after to glean insight into the topic at hand to make sure I wasn’t making it say something it wasn’t.

But there were two things working against me.

First, while my parents did a great job teaching us the Bible (I know that foundation is why I have disentangled truths from lies rather than deconstructed from faith), I was exposed to a lot of teaching apart from them through hundreds of pastors, teachers, other women, and my peers who held strongly to specific belief patterns. All of that provided me with a “lens” by which I understood all Scripture. (take the example of Proverbs 4:23 applying to purity culture)

Second, because I was very sheltered, I didn’t realize the depths of depravity for whom the Bible was written. In my teen-twenties brain, absolutely every verse applied to me and my life (which now sounds so egotistical). I didn’t actually realize it was written for rebellious Jews, redeemed Jews, confused Corinthians, struggling Galatians, and so on. I wasn’t actually reading in the context of who the book was intended for and what the original purpose of the passage was.

That led me to misunderstand many key passages in the Bible.

Some of them, I figured out pretty quickly (for example, 1 Corinthians 7:1 saying, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” being the foundation for “guys and girls shouldn’t hold hands before marriage” – yes, when you read this in a non-KJV translation, it’s very obvious it’s not talking about chaste touch).

Many others have taken years for me to relearn (and I’m not just speaking exclusively to purity culture-related verses, but verses about how we treat others, how we relate to God, and more).

Part of my journey these last few years has been trying to discern what the Bible actually teaches as opposed to what I was told it teaches. And sometimes, that feels like a long journey.

And, I’ll be completely honest with you, a big part of that has been diverging from reading King James only. That is another whole topic in and of itself, but I’ve noticed two reasons it’s been helpful to read different translations.

1) I now understood the words I’m reading (mind you, I learned to read with the KJV, and spent hours upon hours looking up words in the Strong’s Concordance).

2) Because the verses were worded differently, I no longer hear them echoing the words of teachers I’d heard for years.

New realizations of verses I’ve understood out of context will hit at the most random times. I’ll be reading a passage and suddenly go, “Oh! That’s always confused me because of xzy, but when I read it in context of the original intent, how did I think it meant anything other than what it says here?”

The one thing I’m thankful for in all of this is that God truly is faithful.

Yes, satan works hard to be sure we misunderstand God’s Word (that has been his tactic since the Garden of Eden with “did God REALLY say this?”). But if we are truly saved and have God’s Spirit working in us, He won’t let us stay confused.

Every Tuesday, I look forward to the conversation around these topics, and I truly appreciate your vulnerability to share as well as your graciousness if you had a different experience. I’d love to hear what you think.

Can you relate, or was your experience different? Is there a specific verse you once understood out of context?

This is just a little of the heart behind what I write. My characters are genuine Christians who try to follow God and the Bible … while, of course, falling in love. ;) If that’s what you like to read, check out Coasts & Coworkers for free here!

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture & legalism, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance. If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is now available to newsletter subscribers! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. Sign up for my newsletter to get updates & read Coasts & Coworkers (Book 1) free!

This angle might be different, but now that I’m married to an amazing, godly man, I get downright mad when I think about how men are viewed through a purity culture lens!

Before you get annoyed at me, yes, I know that women have been wrongfully objectified. Many Christians have done a great job talking about this and bringing balance to the table.

But what I haven’t heard many people talk about is how many purity + courtship teachings give a downright disgraceful viewpoint of men! It basically teaches that men are incapable of living by the Holy Spirit without the woman first obeying.

It is no new realization that purity + courtship culture laid the responsibility of men’s thoughts and actions on women’s shoulders.

That’s one of the reasons modesty was so strongly taught: to “keep your brother from stumbling” (which was a losing battle, because in my old circles, each man personalized the rules based on their own struggles).

Additionally, it was taught that it was the woman’s responsibility to “keep her husband from p0rn or adult3ry.” (I’ll get to that in a moment)

Or, as I heard one woman tell an engaged woman, “When my husband is grumpy, I go through a checklist just like my toddler’s: does he need food, sleep, or me?”

Not only do I find the last attitude very disrespectful, comparing a grown man to a two-year-old who has not learned emotional, spiritual, and mental regulation, but it also lays the weight of the husband’s attitude on the wife (which, newsflash: God never did!).

I vividly remember when I was dating Sam and working my way through all of these mindsets. Again, it was never outright said, but strongly implied: “If a man falls into sin, it’s because his wife didn’t satisfy him enough.”

Sam cut me short and quite vehemently said, “No, if a man falls into sin, it is 100% his fault. Even if the wife isn’t satisfying his needs, he has the responsibility to stay faithful, and if he doesn’t, it’s his sin, not hers.”

That should not have been so eye-opening to me, but it was.

Once again, rules replaced the Holy Spirit.

In this case, it wasn’t “if I follow these rules, I won’t fall,” but “if I follow these rules, you won’t fall.”

That mindset reduces men to be animalistic in their desires and completely unable to control themselves, so they need a wife to “keep them in line.”

Yes, some men are so driven by lust that they give all men a bad rap. But there are good, godly men out there. And if you’re still single, wait for that man who is fully in control of his body and guided by the Spirit and doesn’t need you to help him live uprightly.

I fully realize that in this limited space, I am completely unable to discuss all of the nuances of this topic. Yes, I believe everything 1 Corinthians 7 has to say about marriage, lust, and self-control. I am not at all advocating women abuse the mindset of “you’re responsible for your own choices” and withhold s3x as a way of “punishing” their husbands when they’re mad at him.

All I’m saying is that for a culture that claimed to hold men in high regard, the purity + courtship culture I grew up in actually doesn’t view men as capable of holding themselves accountable, able to obey God without crutches, or responsible to live uprightly with “just” the Holy Spirit.

I want to raise my son to be fully aware of his responsibility before God to control his thoughts and actions, because it is before God he stands responsible (and he won’t be able to blame anyone else for his sins).

If you love to read Christian fiction with green flag men who take responsibility for their actions (no, they’re not perfect), well, that’s what I write! Coasts & Coworkers is free now [get it here]!

I know topics like this can be personal. Thank you for making these Tuesday conversations such a gracious place to share different experiences. I’d love to hear what you think.

Can you relate, or was your experience different?

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture & legalism, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance. If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

If you’re from purity + courtship culture, it’s a no-brainer: you’re never alone with your boyfriend. You don’t drive anywhere alone with your boyfriend, go on walks alone with your boyfriend, be in any room alone with your boyfriend … you get the picture.

While for some people that may not be a bad boundary (I’ll get into why I’m annoyed with it in a bit), for me, this mindset translated as “it is wrong and dangerous to EVER be anywhere alone with your boyfriend.”

And that led to some huge mental gymnastics the first few months I was dating my now-husband.

When I started dating Sam, I lived in a new apartment as a step to recover from debilitating chronic illness (triggered by mold sensitivity).

Our very first date was in a coffee shop, and while I enjoyed every minute of it, it also took me a full week to recover. I realized quickly that I couldn’t “go on a date” once a week (Sam lived two hours away, so yes, we only saw each other once a week).

Our second date was at my brother’s home. And while they would have been more than willing to host us every week, I also couldn’t go to their home every week (remember: mold sensitivity).

Our third date was at a park, and by then, I knew I had a decision to make: should I invite Sam to come alone to my apartment to hang out … or live in a constant health crash from going on dates?

I knew the best, practical choice.

My home was mold-safe, my limited energy wouldn’t have to gear up for an outing even to the park (which, by the way, I couldn’t tolerate being outside during that time either), I wouldn’t have to pack any of my specialty food, and if I needed to curl up on the couch the whole time because I was exhausted, I could.

But because it had been drilled into me that being anywhere alone with a guy was morally wrong, it felt like I was edging very close to sin to invite him to my apartment.

I deliberated and prayed over it for HOURS and probably talked equally as long with two trusted, married friends about it. In one of those conversations, the lightbulb suddenly went on.

My entire decision was wrapped in FEAR.

I feared the “slippery slope to sin” (newsflash: the longer I dated, the more I realized that, unlike several books that I read, you don’t “accidentally” fall into sin; it is a BIG deal to have s3x for the first time).

I was so worried from the mindset I’d heard over and over that “If you release your guard, something bad will happen.” (of course, no one actually said that, but all of the teaching led to that principle)

I feared the unknown. I feared disappointing friends and family who still lived in the courtship culture. I feared I was “making a bad choice.”

But when I realized that fear was at the root of all of my concerns … I realized that it wasn’t from God.

Yes, God does give us warnings and cautions in Scripture, but the absolute terrorizing fear I felt? Not from Him, because I wasn’t about to disobey what He actually teaches in His Word.

So, I took a deep breath and invited Sam to pick me up to visit my brother the next week (just “so happens” my parents would be in town to meet him for the first time–and they loved him, I might add 😉). I figured it was a good way to “ease into” having him over alone at my place.

And you know what? It was good.

By that point, Sam and I had discussed boundaries. He’d already proven that he respected me as a person, and he had proven that he loved God and was trying to live by Biblical standards.

Which leads me to the main problem I have with the mindset of drawing hard lines.

When you say “a guy and girl shouldn’t ever be alone for five minutes in any context” or “shouldn’t kiss before marriage” all to prevent s3x before marriage, you don’t have to rely on the Holy Spirit. You can keep those rules in your own strength (and those who didn’t were held up as stronger examples of “this is why you need rules”).

I can understand having stricter guidelines for teens who are still figuring things out and need more specific guidance. But the whole point of maturity is releasing the rules so we can walk in wisdom (and by the Spirit). And that’s what was missing in the purity + courtship culture I was raised in.

It was literally taught that whether you were sixteen or sixty, you had to follow specific rules to “keep from sinning” because “our flesh is so weak” (side-note: given that some of the main teachers have since proven they’re not even saved, no wonder their flesh was weak! They had no Spirit of God helping them!).

When rules become your crutch, you never learn to listen to the Holy Spirit.

As a couple in our thirties, we had liberty to make choices in wisdom, maturity, and the Spirit.

Let me add that this teaching is very different from a couple deciding for themselves what guidelines they’re comfortable with in their relationship. I have no problem with a couple deciding they want to save their first kiss or primarily date chaperoned. The problem I have is the teachers who say ALL couples must do things a specific way and have specific boundaries.

When both a guy and a girl fear God and respect each other, the Holy Spirit will be their guide, not “well, we can’t do anything because someone might see us.” And let me tell you, when God is your motivation and you realize you’re fully accountable to Him, you have a powerful reason to avoid anything that would displease Him.

What about you? What’s one area where you’ve had to learn to trust the Holy Spirit more than a list of rules?

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture & legalism, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is now available to newsletter subscribers! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. Sign up for my newsletter to get updates & read Coasts & Coworkers free!

I’m so excited to be sharing my first Everwild Island flash fiction with you!

One of my favorite things about creating Everwild Island is getting to explore little stories that don’t fit into a full novel but are still worth telling. Capsules & Crushes is one of those stories—a sweet glimpse into island life, buried treasures, and unexpected second chances.

I hope you enjoy this little visit to Everwild!

And if you do, I’d love for you to share it with a friend who enjoys clean, heartwarming beach romances.

There was nothing like the beach after a storm.

Devon stepped onto the front porch of his rental cabin, welcoming a calm, cool breeze after days of tropical storm weather.

Now was the best time to scavenge for treasures on Everwild Island.

He whistled, and Lucky bounded up, his mouth pulled into a smile.

“Let’s go treasure hunting!”

With a yap, Lucky led the way toward town, not the beach. Devon shook his head. Of course, Lucky’d want to stop by Peachy’s Bakery first. The owner, Thérésa, spoiled him.

They walked to town, and Devon tied Lucky’s leash for him to wait outside then reached for the door.

It banged open against Devon. He groaned, rubbing his shoulder.

A young woman gasped. “I’m sor—Devon?” Her green eyes sparkled with recognition and delight.

And … Devon didn’t know her.

“Morning.” He gave her a congenial smile, pretending she didn’t just try to make him one with the door.

Her eyes dimmed. “Makayla Peterson. Ava’s friend?”

He caught his jaw before it dropped open. “No way! You’ve … changed!” She was beautiful, more like it. Definitely not a kid anymore.

Her smile returned, making her even prettier. And for the first time in his life, Devon wanted to hang out with his younger sister’s friend.

“Do you still live here?” he asked.

“No, we moved away soon after your family. But I come back every summer.”

“Me too.”

Silence filled the air.

Lucky yipped, and she smiled down at him.

“This is Lucky. And he’s impatient for his breakfast. Sorry, boy. I’ll get it.”

But Devon wished he didn’t have to leave so soon. Makayla held out her hand for Lucky to sniff, and Devon went inside, hoping she’d be here when he returned.

She wasn’t. Disappointment swirled in his middle as he handed Lucky a dog treat and bit into his donut.

It was just as well. He didn’t want other beachcombers to find the best treasure first, and a pretty distraction would only slow him down. Besides, she was too cute to be single.

Devon hiked to the beach and did the math. They had moved away from Everwild when he was a senior. Ava was four years younger and in Makayla’s class at the private school. Which would make Makayla twenty-two now.

If she hadn’t known him, he would have never recognized her.

Once on the beach, Lucky ran the full length of his extended leash, tail wagging in excitement.

Since Everwild forbade metal detectors, the adventure lay in discovering what the storm churned up.

The beach was littered with shells and sea glass. And while some collected those, Devon was looking for anything more unique.

Lucky sniffed in the weeds, and Devon jogged up to him. He excitedly pawed at the sand, nosing at something.

“What did you find?” Devon dug with him, revealing a rusty metal box. “Well, this is exciting!”

He pulled it out and pried at the lid. It took five tries before he was successful, and the hinges snapped off in the effort. Lucky grew impatient and wandered off, pulling at the long leash around Devon’s wrist.

Inside the box was a Ziploc bag with scrambled contents. Probably some kid’s game. Devon smiled as he opened the bag. The first thing was a VBS volunteer badge, much like one Ava loved as a teen.

He unfolded a tiny note and squinted at the penciled message.

Devon 🤍 M

It was bubbly handwriting the teen girls at school used to love. He studied the note again. The rest of the second name was smudged, as if erased by a cheap pencil. He hoped the other Devon and M were still together.

And then, the next item made him freeze. A movie ticket to Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Even before he looked further, he knew it was for a 7:00 showing on Thursday night.

This was their time capsule from a month before they moved. It had been Ava’s idea. Devon had pretended it was stupid, but he loved the idea and donated his movie ticket stub.

And they weren’t supposed to open it until twenty years later. Well, he’d come too far.

He glanced through the other dozen or so items. He remembered all of the kids in their small, private school, and it would be fun to guess who had left what.

But, for now, he’d ‘fess up to Ava and let her decide what to do.

As he put the items back in the box, the small piece of paper stopped him. Devon 🤍M…

He hadn’t dated Megan at their school, and Makayla was too young for his 18-year-old self. He’d briefly dated Caitlyn and Leslie, but no one started with M. Maybe it was another Devon.

With the rusty box tucked under his arm, he whistled to get Lucky’s attention and made the call to Ava.

As expected, she first chewed Devon out then giddily made him promise not to look again until she came this weekend.

That evening, he left Lucky safe in the cabin and slid onto a stool at Shelly’s Cafe.

“I heard you found our time capsule.”

Devon turned to the beautiful blonde he was getting used to as an adult Makayla.

“Yeah, I had forgotten all about it.”

“Did you … look inside?”

“Yeah. But there was nothing embarrassing…” his words faded as her face grew pale.

His mouth dropped open. “You’re M,” he whispered. He was that Devon.

She cringed. “It was a silly crush.”

The way a beautiful pink blush crept up her neck, he wondered if he still had a chance at being her crush.

“You didn’t even know I existed.”

“I do now.” The words slipped out before he could stop them.

She blinked and looked up at him shyly.

A waiter slid a plate to Devon. No time like the present.

“Want to eat supper with me?” he asked.

She nodded, and warmth filled him.

“Let’s find a proper table, then.”

As she followed Devon to a booth, he couldn’t help but be glad he’d found the time capsule twelve years before planned.

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is now available to newsletter subscribers! Coasts & Coworkers is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. Sign up for my newsletter to get updates & read Coasts & Coworkers free!

Over the last few months, I’ve talked a lot about the negative mindsets I’ve had to work through from purity + courtship culture.

So today, I thought I’d focus on one of the positives (with a caveat).

I heard a lot of stories of girls who prayed for their future husbands, and I took that to heart and started praying for mine.

Sometimes, I was very faithful and wrote all of those prayers down. Other times, I wouldn’t think about it for years.

While I will never regret praying for my unknown future husband as a teen, I wouldn’t tell all girls “pray for your future husband.”

At times, I had an unhealthy obsession with this “unknown guy of my future” that stole away my focus for the current day.

Prayer wasn’t just about getting answers, and I’ll come back to that in a bit. But, it’s part of my story, and I have seen ways that God honored my little attempts to be faithful even if my motive wasn’t always in the right place.

Here are some of the prayers God answered…

💚 I prayed for my husband’s salvation when I was a teen. Sam took his walk with the Lord seriously in his early twenties. I don’t know about the timing of it, but it seems very close to me.

💚 As a teen, I was so scared that I would be heartbroken with relationships not working out, so I prayed that the first guy I courted would be the guy I married. I did talk to several guys before Sam, but he was the first guy I ever went on a date with, and he is the guy I married.

💚 I prayed that my husband wouldn’t be addicted to gaming (it was just something I saw in some of the guys I hung around). A decade before we got married, God helped Sam overcome his gaming addiction.

💚 I prayed for a husband in the ministry. Sam started his first pastorate a year after we got married.

💚 I prayed for wisdom, and God gave it to me every step of the way

When I shared this list with my husband, he pointed out something I’d never considered (because yes, I adopted more of a pray-about-it-and-wait mindset than a pray-and-make-wise-choices mindset).

He reminded me that it wasn’t just a magical “I prayed, God answered” formula. God is not our Genie to answer every request, but He is a good Father who loves to give good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:11 and James 1:17).

At the same time, prayer wasn’t replacing wisdom and obedience. I could have worked against God by making a stupid choice in dating. It didn’t matter if I prayed for a saved husband; I could have chosen to date an unbeliever and derailed that prayer.

For me, it’s not just that prayer changed HIM, but that prayer gave ME the wisdom in what to look for in a husband.

Because I was praying for a saved husband, I was looking for a saved husband. Because I prayed for a non-gamer, that’s what I was looking for.

But also, in praying, I was careful to keep my heart flexible on the things that didn’t matter as much.

Many of my prayers that weren’t answered … but God changed my heart about them (I prayed for a musician husband, and Sam is not at all musical; but that doesn’t bother me because I see how we complement each other in our gifts and are able to minister together).

Prayer taught me that God sometimes gives us what we ask for and sometimes changes our desires entirely.

I think this is one of the reasons I am enjoying writing romances.

Because I’m featuring characters who think they know what they want or need … and sometimes they get it, but sometimes they get something better for them.

And that’s exactly how God works in our lives.

If you enjoy clean, Christian romances where God is a central part of the character’s lives, then check out my free clean, Christian romance, Coasts & Coworkers.

What’s an answered prayer that you’ve had? It can be in the past or present.

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture & legalism, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is now available to newsletter subscribers! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. Sign up for my newsletter to get updates & read Coasts & Coworkers free!

When I was about five, our church had a very zealous, evangelistic woman who taught sign language classes. In one of her classes, she asked if any of us needed to be saved.

Being raised in a preacher’s home, I knew that I hadn’t accepted Christ as my Savior, so I raised my hand. She told me to go home and talk with my parents, so I did.

I don’t actually remember that conversation, but from what my parents have told me, I probably knew all the answers to their questions, but they had the discernment to see that the Holy Spirit wasn’t drawing me.

Daddy prayed for me (he didn’t “lead me in a salvation prayer,” but rather prayed for me to one day understand the Gospel fully), and I went to bed content and clueless.

A couple years later, I was doing my daily devotional for school. I vividly remember the switch from thinking the Sunday School kid answer of “they need to be saved” to the conviction that “I need to be saved.”

Mom later brought me through different Scriptures on salvation, and that time, I remember understanding, and it felt like my eyes were open.

As a teen, I went through seasons of doubting my salvation and praying daily “God, if I’m not saved, save me!” I talked with my parents multiple times. I clung to verses like 1 John 4:15 (“Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God”).

Today, I genuinely believe that I got saved when I was seven, but because I was a conscientious child, I didn’t see a big difference in “before and after” salvation.

But one thing I did see was the continuing desire to know, love, and serve God every day.

I still have the piece of paper where I wrote down “Lord, ples save me,” and while I treasure it, that is not what I pin my salvation on.

Because an experience doesn’t save us.

I say this because many people remember an experience (e.g. “I walked down the aisle when I was ten and prayed the sinner’s prayer” or “I talked to the pastor during VBS”), but their lives don’t bear the fruit of change.

Matthew 7 talks about fruit and how we recognize those who are or are not following Jesus based on their fruit.

While the New Testament says a lot about the fruit of the believer, one of the most vivid is Galatians 5:22-23

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

This doesn’t mean the Christian perfectly exhibits the Fruit of the Spirit all the time and never sins again (1 John 1:8-10 indicates we still sin and, if we’re truly saved, recognize it and repent).

Instead, it means we are continually growing toward bearing more fruit. Because the Holy Spirit indwells all born-again believers, it means He’s constantly convicting us of sin, teaching us, and guiding us. We should be becoming more like Christ.

If we continue to live in sin, that’s fruit that proves we were never changed in the first place (Galatians 5:19-21 outlines these well, and while it includes the “obvious sins” of immorality, it also includes “socially acceptable sins” like strife, jealousy, rivalries, and divisions).

So while many people’s salvation testimony links back to “a moment,” really, our salvation testimony should also include an ongoing “Here is how Jesus Christ is working in me now.”

If you’re open to sharing, I’d love to hear your salvation testimony! And if you aren’t sure you are genuinely saved, my inbox is always open!

This week is slightly different than my usual Tuesday posts, but next Tuesday I’ll be back to posting my series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture & legalism, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. Sign up for my newsletter to get updates & read Coasts & Coworkers free when it’s out!

If you didn’t catch last week’s post (“I used to believe Philippians 4:8 meant fiction was wrong”), then that sets the stage for today’s article very well.

When I finally realized that Philippians 4:8 didn’t mean fiction was wrong, I began trying to figure out WHAT kind of fiction was okay.

I decided that Christian fiction was the only thing I could write. No, it’s not because I was a Christian. Unfortunately, it was way deeper than that.

Between books I’d read and stories I heard from the pulpit, I saw God as more of a harsh, disciplinarian ruler. Yes, He gave us good gifts (because that’s what the Bible said), but if someone didn’t use their talent for God, then He would punish them (maybe He’d take away their talent, or maybe they’d get sick, or maybe something else).

Because of that, out of fear, I thought that if I didn’t use my talents for God (e.g. writing only Christian fiction, or playing only Christian songs on piano), that I was in danger of Him removing that talent from me.

Added to that, there was such a strong emphasis on being a missionary, that to NOT have the salvation message in every single book was a missed opportunity (and probably akin to sin).

So I started writing what I now view as more “devotional fiction.” I’m probably making up that subgenre, but to me, it’s a thing. It’s Christian fiction that is more focused on teaching a Bible lesson than telling a story, and it could easily be used as a Sunday School lesson.

I’m not saying that it’s wrong! What I am saying is that my motive and fear were sadly misguided.

I didn’t write Christian fiction because I loved God and wanted to share Him with the world. I wrote Christian fiction because I was scared not to.

Additionally, I would judge Christians who either didn’t write Christian fiction (even if it was clean fiction) OR whose Christian books weren’t “Christian enough.” I thought they were wasting a talent God gave them and using it for their personal glory.

The root, for me, was that I didn’t truly understand Who God is. And the more I’ve learned of God through His Word, the more I’ve come to realize that He truly is a loving Father Who gives good gifts to His children … without strings attached!

This means that each Christian author can discern for themselves how to use their God-given gift. That’s between them and God.

Now, I write Christian fiction because that’s just part of who I am. I no longer believe that God will take the gift of writing from me if I don’t have “all the Christian boxes checked.”

I no longer force the Gospel message into every story (though redemption tends to be a recurring theme). I no longer judge Christians who write for the general, clean market, because I believe they have freedom to do so.

In writing my contemporary beach romances, my characters are walking many different paths in their Christian lives. Some of them know the Bible forward and backward, some of them do not. Some of them make choices that older, wiser, more mature Christians would definitely not make, and that’s okay too.

There might not be prayer on every page, and there might not be a salvation message in every book … because now, I’m not following a checklist, but praying about what I should include in every story.

Some readers might not actually see a difference in my writing, because my books are still quite Christian; but as the writer, I can feel a difference in my motives and mindset, and it is very freeing!

If that’s what you like reading, then check out my upcoming free book, Coasts & Coworkers, a Christian beach romance.

What gift has God given you, and how are you using it in freedom today?

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture & legalism, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. Sign up for my newsletter to get updates & read Coasts & Coworkers free when it’s out!

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I was an overzealous teenager who was trying desperately to do what I believed pleased God.

However, I was raised in some ascetic-leaning circles, so ultimately, I thought that anything pleasurable was taking my focus off God and should be abstained from.

Sadly, writing fiction was one of those things.

I remember writing stories from at least seven years old.

When I was a preteen to early teen, I handwrote notebooks and notebooks of stories.

Then, I began to listen closely to teachings about “living for God” and “sacrificing idols.” In my pure, teen brain, I thought that writing was an idol, because I had this insatiable urge to write all the time.

Added to that, in my quest to live as holy as possible before God, I did extensive Bible study on anything that could apply to fiction at all.

At the time, I only read Christian fiction, and anytime the family watched a movie, I would hide in my room, because I believed it was sin for me to watch something that wasn’t Christian.

When I came across Philippians 4:8, I couldn’t get around the very first word: “Whatsoever things are TRUE...” Fiction isn’t true, so … did that mean we shouldn’t “think on these things” (aka read them or watch them)?

I wish I would have had the courage to actually ask my parents about that. Instead, I talked to friends who were more strict than I was and convinced myself that I needed to put aside fiction completely, because it wasn’t true.

So, I stopped writing fiction. Instead, I poured myself into writing nonfiction articles (many of which are lost, for which I’m thankful, because they promoted the super strict mindset I had).

That lasted at least a year, if not more. When I did finally return to writing, I thought everything I wrote had to be VERY Christian (more on that next week).

There are a few things about my “fasting” from writing that saddens me.

First, I was once again reading Scripture through MY lens, not the perspective Paul intended the Philippians to read it from. I genuinely didn’t realize that I read the Bible from a pure, innocent mindset until I was in my 30s (which meant I made things way stricter than what the Bible intended, because I wasn’t coming from a lascivious lifestyle, like many of the New Testament churches were).

Second, because idols were so strongly taught, I mistook a GIFT God gave me and thought it was something that was pulling me away from God. I didn’t realize that God was a loving Father Who gave good gifts to be enjoyed!

Third, I now realize how deeply mindset and teaching shape the way people view God and study the Bible. I was an impressionable, rule-following kid, and I absorbed those teachings and misapplied them in countless ways.

Now, as an adult, I have the responsibility to unlearn misguided ideas and relearn what Scripture actually says. And that realization has made me much more aware that the way I teach the Bible—whether my fiction writing or to women and children in church—will influence the teens and young adults around me.

Back to fiction, though.

There isn’t room here to talk about the full biblical approach of fiction. For instance, I believe there is a place for sin in fiction, if it is portrayed as sin with consequences. I also believe that fiction, though it tells ‘made up stories,’ can still portray the truths found in Philippians 4:8.

You can rest assured that in my fiction books (both my historical YA and contemporary beach romances), sin is portrayed as sin. The main characters will stumble around making bad choices, but in the end, they have to face the consequences of their choices, and they learn from it.

Also, the romance I write portrays things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, worthy of praise (no bully romances or smut here!).

If that’s what you like reading, then check out my upcoming free book, Coasts & Coworkers, a Christian beach romance.

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture & legalism, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after.

Sign up for my newsletter to get updates & read Coasts & Coworkers free when it’s out!

There was a time as a teen that I felt so guilty reading and enjoying romance.

Let me clarify. I’m talking about squeaky clean, Christian romances, not anything smutty at all.

So why in the world was I bothered?

Well, I was raised around a big purity + courtship culture group.

In short, instead of just “saving s3x for marriage” it became “saving your first hand holding for marriage” (therefore, your first kiss and hug too).

Instead of dating, it was parent-guided courtship where the couple was never alone because “sin is a slippery slope.”

Having a crush was wrong because we needed to “take every thought captive.”

And the list goes on (I’ve already explored many of these in my Tuesday posts).

Because of that, I grew to believe that romance itself was wrong.

Sure, I was totally fine with it between married couples, but unmarried couples?

I’d use verses like the Song of Solomon “do not awaken love before its time” (8:4) to mean that any thoughts of romance were off limits until courting time.

I also heard teaching that just as God put Adam to sleep, men were supposed to be “asleep” to thoughts of romance until the random time that God woke them up to find your Eve (which, by the way, for girls it meant you should wait until a man asked your dad for permission to court you).

All of that made me feel extremely guilty for reading a clean, Christian romance … to the point that I even had a friend as an accountability partner that I’d confess to every time I slipped up and read a book with romance.

If I enjoyed it at all, I was scared it was “awakening love” before its time, so I needed to put the book down. Not to mention the “extreme danger” of it encouraging me to be discontent that I was still single or covetous that others were married and I wasn’t!

What changed?

Well, in short, I grew up.

I realized that not every feeling of guilt was the Holy Spirit’s conviction.

I started training my conscience with what the Bible truly taught was sin versus what was added on by teachers.

I learned my own real temptations instead of imposing others’ temptations on myself.

I got out of the ultra strict circles that continued teaching those mindsets.

I learned more of what the Bible truly taught about God (spoiler alert: it’s not as legalistic as I once thought).

And now … I not only read clean romances, but I’m writing them.

I don’t think I would have seen that one coming in a million years!

There are some things that never change (like my belief that Hebrews 13:4 teaches that s3x is for marriage and that faith themes make the most meaningful story to me), but shifting from writing no romance to romance? That’s been a whirlwind.

But I’m telling you what … I’m having fun and enjoying it!

I love exploring how characters can be good for each other. Finding different personalities that clash then growing to get along well together. Demonstrating healthy relationships with heartwarming moments. And yes, that sweet, first kiss moment.

If those are the types of stories you enjoy as well, then check out my upcoming free book, Coasts & Coworkers, a Christian beach romance.

Have you ever had an overactive conscience? What did you do to grow from it?

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. My ARC team is now open for Coasts & Coworkers. Become an early reader here!

Subscribe now

The first real romance book I read was Janette Oke’s Love Comes Softly Series.

I devoured it! To this day, I have such fond memories of reading it.

However, I didn’t immediately go from there to reading other clean romances, because I heard from many different Bible teachers that reading romance was dangerous for single women–and even married women–because it would lead them to unrealistic expectations in marriage.

Before I go any further, I acknowledge that some women are negatively affected and personally feel like it’s better for them to avoid reading clean romance. If that’s you, continue taking the stand you need to.

Secondly, this is a highly nuanced topic. I am specifically talking about clean, Christian romances with kisses only, not graphic content or bad-boy tropes, bullies, etc.

I think it is good for single women to see a portrayal of God-honoring relationships with healthy characters who are trying to grow. And fiction is a great place for that because in our real world (yes, even Christian) we most often see dysfunctional relationships.

Reading clean, Christian romances did not hurt my marriage.

Instead, I have actually had to work through negative thoughts fostered by teachers who set up the expectation that the only way to have a good marriage was to go through brutally hard seasons.

When I was single, I thought that since everyone taught about marriage being hard, that it would be. The first month was going to be a rough transition. Then boy, at three months, that’s when reality hit. The first year was going to be so difficult, especially once the “honeymoon phase” left.

While I’m sure these teachers had good intentions, it had the opposite effect on me. After hearing those types of messages for nearly three decades, I expected to go to bed in tears often in my first year of marriage. I expected there to be big arguments. I expected there to be “growing pains” in learning to live with someone else.

It wasn’t until I was dating my now-husband that I began to realize that relationships didn’t have to be this brutally hard thing. We were both mature, healthy Christians in our thirties who had learned a lot of lessons about self-control, communication, forgiveness, and peace.

(side note: if you’re dating someone and it’s hard work every step of the way, that might be a red flag that one or both of you need to work on your personal lives, because marriage won’t make that hardship easier)

And yes, I have only been married two years; but remember, I expected the first year to be miserable because of the messages I had heard.

I want to shout from the rooftops: Marriage. Doesn’t. Have. To. Be. HARD!

What I love to see is a couple who faces the hardship of life together. If there’s a miscommunication, they grow from it. They work to each other’s best interest. They help each other grow both as a person and as a Christian.

And so that’s what I write in my Christian beach romances.

My characters won’t be perfect. They’ll mess up, but they’re growing from their mistakes.

Because more than anything, I want Christian girls to know that a romantic relationship can be beautiful without heartache.

I want Christian girls to see Christ in romance.

If this is the type of romance you like reading, check out my series, Sweethearts in Everwild.

What was the first romance book you read?

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. My ARC team is now open for Coasts & Coworkers. Become an early reader here!

Subscribe now

Have you ever blown your mind trying to understand “if God has just one man for each woman … and one of them marries someone else, then does that mean that the person who didn’t get married has to stay single or settle for second-best?”

While that might sound ridiculous to some of you, for me, it was a very real question in my teens.

Part of the purity + courtship culture I was raised in taught that, just like God created Eve for Adam, God created a specific woman for every man.

Funny enough, this sounds very similar to the mythological origin of soul mates (where Zeus split the double-humans in half and they are incomplete until they found their soul mate).

But of course, I didn’t learn about that until years after I heard about “God made ‘the one’ for you.”

There was one big problem that this Christianized mindset created for me.

If I was thinking about “God made someone for me and me for him,” then when a guy was interested in me, it was “is he the one,” NOT “is he a wise choice?”

It instilled fear in me, because “what if I missed the one?”

Talk about pressure!

If God truly wanted us to be so paranoid about who we married, don’t you think He would have put just a little more about it in the Bible?

Instead, He just gave us general principles (such as Christians marrying Christians, see 2 Corinthians 6:14-18), and I believe He expects us to use wisdom for the rest.

When I finally started dating, I realized that it wasn’t about “finding THE one” but about finding someone who had the same Biblical perspective I did … and then did I get along with him? Did I find him attractive? (which was such a no-no in courtship culture because “looks can be deceiving!”) Could I respect him? Did we share the same important core beliefs? And similar questions.

Now, both my husband and I agree that God surely brought us together … from us getting online dating profiles at the exact same time to how well we work together and compliment each other.

But that is in retrospect. I didn’t set out to “find the one” (which is quite vague).

Instead, I tried to seek God, made wise choices as I went, and now, am living with the choices that I made.

Now that I’m writing Christian beach romances, I’m going to write it from the perspective of my characters making those wise choices and not going on some vague quest to “find the one.”

There’s going to be humor, real-life conversations, and heartwarming moments.

And if that’s what you love reading, then check out my upcoming series, Sweethearts On Everwild.

Did you know that soulmates originated from mythology? (my mind was so blown when I learned it the first time!)

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. My ARC team is now open for Coasts & Coworkers. Become an early reader here!

Subscribe now

I remember telling a lady once that “I’m just waiting for God to send me a husband,” and she immediately started opening cabinets, “Is he in here? Where is he?”

At the time, I think I was offended because “she just didn’t understand what trusting God looks like.”

Now, I realize she had a point.

Because in my teens and early twenties, I really did believe that all I had to do was be faithful to God and somehow, He would find a way to send me a husband if it was His will.

After all, I had heard hundreds of stories where “one day, this guy just randomly showed up at our church, and he was my future husband” or “we were passing by at a restaurant and he struck up a conversation with my dad, and the rest is history.”

The principle that was taught was “girls, don’t do anything but trust God and He will bring a husband. And if He doesn’t, then marriage wasn’t His plan for you.”

Now, I fully believe that God calls some men and women to singleness (Matthew 19:12 and 1 Corinthians 7).

But in absolutely no other aspect of life do we just wait for God to mystically drop something in our laps (I’m not saying He doesn’t choose to work in that way, but He’s not our Genie).

If we lose a job, we don’t sit back, pray, and wait. No! We take our God-given initiative and do some job hunting!

Annnd … sometimes that’s what God asks of us for finding a marriage partner.

Why is this so important? Because the belief that “God will somehow give me a husband” also leads to the secondary belief that “this is the man God brought me, he must be the one.”

I personally know women who didn’t realize they could say “no” to a potential husband. They traded wisdom for an unexplained “God just told me that I was going to marry this guy.”

I vividly remember when I learned that I could both take initiative and begin online dating AND that as I talked to almost a hundred guys (true story), I didn’t have the pressure to seriously consider all of them.

I could use my God-given wisdom for both dating and turning guys down. That honestly relieved so much pressure in online dating!

So yes, sometimes I’ll write about characters who turn down a “good, godly Christian man” because they don’t click as well with him (just because he “checks all the boxes” doesn’t mean a girl must marry him!).

But I’ll also write about women and men who try to make wise choices AND seek God.

If these are the types of books you enjoy reading, check out my Christian beach romances.

What’s a long-held belief that you’ve more recently started shifting on?

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. My ARC team is now open for Coasts & Coworkers. Become an early reader here!

Subscribe now

I wasn’t an overly romantic teen.

In fact, because of purity + courtship culture, I thought it was a sin to be attracted to guys, almost a sin to talk to them one-on-one, and definitely a no-no to daydream about a guy (in a naïve, “I like talking to this guy” type of way, nothing more).

But even with all of that, I did have my deep down secret desires of how I thought I’d get to my wedding day.

As a teen, my “perfect love story” was …

💗 I’d be faithful to serve God and trust Him, and He would miraculously bring a guy into my life (I’d heard the stories; so many couples “just happened” to meet and could only credit God)

💗 a man would notice me (somehow, even though I barely talked to the guys I DID know)

💗 he would ask my dad for permission to talk to me (would I be able to figure out that he’d talked to Dad? Or would it be some huge secret?)

💗 I’d of course be flattered and say yes

💗 we would have a conservative courtship (always with a chaperone)

💗 after a couple of months, he’d surprise me with an engagement (like, I’d have NO clue!)

💗 we’d have a beautiful wedding and have the most amazing first kiss ever (I debated on hiding it behind an umbrella because I wasn’t sure I wanted to share it with the world)

💗 we’d live happily ever after with ten or so kids

I wish some of that was an exaggeration, but … it’s as close to the truth as I can remember.

Now, I did go through a big season in my twenties where I was very much NOT big on marriage.

For one thing, I didn’t really know any guys I wanted to marry. For another, I saw some of the nitty-gritty of friends’ marriages and didn’t want the drama. And yet another, I really did have a very fulfilling single life.

When I hit my thirties, the shift started to happen.

I began to desire marriage again, but this time, I had no clue how it might happen (I wasn’t hanging around the “courtship only” crowd anymore and lived in a different state than my parents due to health).

I was open to options and praying and trusting God.

But this time, me trusting God looked very different than I thought it would as a teen.

Because one day, I got this weird desire to try online dating … and when I prayed about it, that desire didn’t go away.

Which means that for me, “trust God” meant to take action and actually “put myself out there” (a big no-no in my teen brain).

Contrary to what I thought as a teen, here’s what really happened.

💚 I was faithful to seek God AND I got online dating (and you bet I researched how to do it well and safely and filled out all my profiles thoroughly)

💚 I talked to DOZENS of guys before I started seriously talking to just one

💚 he didn’t meet my dad until a few months later

💚 I bluntly told him that I was planning to break up as soon as possible if I wasn’t sure about things; I wasn’t going to date “just to date” and waste time

💚 we never had a chaperone

💚 we shopped for my ring together and the engagement wasn’t a surprise (but very memorable)

💚 we had a quiet, family-only wedding that was still beautiful, but it wasn’t our first kiss

💚 we ARE living happily ever after … no plans on ten kids at this point, lol

And you know what? I love my love story! Maybe one day I might tell it in more depth, but the overarching theme is … I am very glad God didn’t give me what I thought I wanted.

Because of this, I’m excited to write romance where the characters seek and follow God in romantic relationships.

I’ve seen that happily-ever-after exists and want to write for the fellow long-term singles who start to think it will happen for everyone but you.

Some of my characters are mid-twenties, some early thirties. But they all find a solid, Christian relationship without compromising their morals.

If this is what you like to read, then stay tuned because my first book, Coasts & Coworkers, is releasing soon!

What’s your biggest teen dream to die? Or, did it come true?

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. My ARC team is now open for Coasts & Coworkers. Become an early reader here!

When I was a teen, my “perfect love story” was that a man would notice me, talk to my dad for permission to talk to me, we’d court (always with a chaperone), after a couple of months, he’d surprise me with an engagement, and we’d have a beautiful wedding and happily ever after with ten kids.

Well, I passed my teens … and twenties … and my happily-ever-after courtship story didn’t happen. At the same time, I began to reevaluate a lot of the legalistic teachings I heard, and of course, “the evil dating” was part of it.

Being raised in purity + courtship culture, I heard it preached that people who dated weren’t trusting God, were setting themselves up for moral failure, and ultimately, were sinning.

So much so, that I felt so guilty saying “boyfriend and girlfriend” because of how wickedly it was portrayed (“significant other” anyone? Yes, I really did use that term).

It took me a long time to realize that dating had been painted with a singular brush (e.g. “if you date, you’re also sleeping with the person and have no intentions of marriage”) instead of the nuances that dating really has.

As I branched out of the courtship mindset (which was super scary to do!), I processed through all of the extras and boiled down “what does God’s Word actually teach?”

The main thing? Saving yourself for marriage (Hebrews 13:4).

Other than that, God doesn’t follow our formula … and that is a very good thing!

For some people, a courtship model may be exactly what God uses to lead them to marriage. For many, dating is the path.

As long as a couple is seeking God, the path to marriage doesn’t need to look the same.

There are many dating couples who don’t seek God and it ends in a train wreck.

But there are equally as many courtship couples who trust the rules to “keep them safe” and it still ends in a train wreck.

As Christians, we are to be Spirit-led, not rule-led, and that includes in our romantic relationships (once again, for anything extra-Biblical).

So, as I’m writing through my Christian beach romance series, yes, my characters date.

And yes, there are some typical dating moments that happen.

They are unchaperoned because they’re adults who are Spirit-controlled.

They don’t all save their first kiss for their wedding day. They might not even save their first kiss for engagement. But you can be sure the kisses will only be sweet and the characters are going to save intimacy for marriage only (off page).

They might not all have their parents’ input on their relationship.

But they are all trying to follow God and trust Him in their lives.

If that’s the type of romance you like to read, then follow along as I explore this new genre!

What thought process changed the most from your teen years? (romantic or otherwise)

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. My ARC team is now open for Coasts & Coworkers. Become an early reader here!

One of the biggest things I struggled with in writing my first romance book last year was developing their growing attraction for each other (which has thankfully gone through early readers and you’ll never know when you read it).

In my core, it still felt wrong.

And of course, I had to dig and figure out WHY?

For me, it stemmed from my teenager belief that having a crush wasn’t just ill-advised, but it was a sin that needed to be repented of.

It was preached so hard to “keep your heart with all diligence” (Proverbs 4:23) and that “anyone who looks after a woman to lust after her has sinned” (Matthew 5:28) that I was scared to LIKE anyone, lest I fall into sin.

What I didn’t realize is that Jesus wasn’t talking about surface stuff there.

I was a very pure-hearted girl by the grace of God (we had internet, but God spared me from falling into accidental addictions), so I did some of my own “purity + courtship culture” damage by my own ignorance.

For me, lust was simply longing. I didn’t realize exactly what lust was until I was several years into adulthood.

If you weren’t raised in a strict purity culture (I realize there are varying degrees), you might be laughing at me, and that’s okay.

But the foundation of the problem isn’t reserved for just me or purity culture.

I took Jesus’ teachings and added my own understanding to it.

Which meant I called things sin that weren’t sin at all!

That’s exactly what the Pharisees did in Jesus’ time.

It wasn’t enough that you don’t work on the Sabbath … you weren’t allowed to spit, just in case your spittle would roll on the ground and “plow a furrow” which would be work (I don’t have a source of this because it’s from my husband’s study).

For me, it was a crush (and several other things that God opened my eyes to as I left legalism).

For you, it might be something else.

Remembering how I once felt about crushes reminds me to look at God’s Word through the lens He intended, not through my small interpretation of it.

While you could argue “it’s better to be safe than sorry,” I’ll counter that if God intended for us to be so strict and cautious, He really would have told us.

His intention for His children is that we live by the Spirit, not by rules (in fact, He came to free us from the law!).

If our Christianity can be lived out by rules, then we don’t need the Spirit (and if you don’t need the Spirit, you might not be saved).

So for me, purity culture teaching was one of the things that kept me from growing and maturing in Christ. When I broke free from those teachings was when I realized how much faith it takes to seek God for His direction in every aspect of my life.

So, as I write my clean, Christian romance books, I unclench my jaw and let my characters have a crush on each other before marriage (!!!).

I still have my boundaries of what’s too far (I personally value being attracted to each other’s character above physique, so while they notice a girl’s cute or guy is handsome, they won’t obsess over the physical).

I’m also representing a Christian life where they follow the Spirit, not manmade rules.

If that’s something you enjoy reading, then keep an eye out for my upcoming release, Coasts & Coworkers … or even better, become an ARC reader!

What’s one area God has taught you about following the Spirit rather than the rules?

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. My ARC team is now open for Coasts & Coworkers. Become an early reader here!

As I’ve been writing my first-ever romance series, I’ve thought a lot about where I used to be and where I am today.

Because if you’d have told eighteen-year-old me that I’d write a romance series (even though it’s Christian and clean), I’d have a lot to say about it!

“But isn’t that causing your single sisters in Christ to stumble because they’ll have daydreams of marriage?”

“What if that causes your married sisters in Christ to stumble because their husband isn’t like your MMC?”

“Are you sure you want to be responsible for instilling the desire for love in single girls?”

The list of questions would go on.

You see, I was not only raised in purity culture, but an ultra strict vein of it with the addition of courtship culture.

As a rule follower, I believed many of the teachings I had heard.

Here are a few of the lies I used to believe:

• There is a fast “slippery slope” from holding hands before marriage to losing v!rg!n!ty

• My first kiss HAD to go to my husband, otherwise, I’d lost something very special

• If I had a crush on a guy who might not be my future husband, I was “coveting another woman’s husband” and breaking one of the Ten Commandments

• I could “do my husband good and not evil ALL the days of my life” (from Proverbs 31) by how I lived my single life (????)

• If you dated more than one guy (just dated, not necessarily anything more), you’d “given pieces of your heart away” and had ultimately cheated your husband out of having “all of you”

• Dating was sin

And the list goes on.

It honestly makes me so sad to think about it now, because I realize that these rules were made from fear and control and didn’t teach me to rely on the Holy Spirit at all (but more on that another time).

There are so many things I cringe about, because I was one of those loud, tell-you-what-I-am-convinced-of type of girls. And I was 100% convinced that purity culture was the way to live my Christian single life.

Now, I’ve done a 180.

Oh, I still believe in what the BIBLE actually teaches (which pretty much boils down to one thing: physical intimacy is only for marriage … and I’d go as far as to say that spice in books violates that principle).

In the last few years, I have done a lot of studying, praying, and relearning what the Bible teaches about love and romance.

And now, I’m writing my first Christian romance series … with kisses before marriage (gasp!), characters who date (double gasp!)--and might actually date more than one person before they find their spouse (triple gasp! Okay, I’ll let off the gasps now).

What in the world changed?

No, it’s not just that I got married and realized that romance is beautiful.

My entire Christian worldview has shifted.

I have learned that the Christian life isn’t all about rules and restrictions but about grace and following the Spirit.

And that has touched literally every aspect of my life.

Every Tuesday I’m posting part of a series reflecting on how I’ve unlearned purity culture, rediscovered God’s design for romance, and how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance.

If you’re in for a ride, I’d love for you to follow along. It’s gonna be fun (and maybe embarrassing on my part, lol).

Were you raised in purity culture? If so, which side of the spectrum (super strict or more lenient)?

My first clean, Christian, kisses-only romance series is releasing soon! Sweethearts on Everwild is set on an idyllic island and each book features characters who love & follow God, face real-life struggles, and find their happily-ever-after. My ARC team is now open for Coasts & Coworkers. Become an early reader here!

Do you ever look back at your past self and just shake your head or hide a little in embarrassment?

That’s me and my old book reviews.

I was so harsh and critical! If a book didn’t 100% agree with how I thought all Christians should live, I would dock stars.

And one of those things was premarital kissing (yes, you read that right, just kissing).

You see, I was in such a strict purity + courtship culture circle that I firmly believed kissing before marriage was sin.

Some years, I was even convinced that holding hands and hugging (even in public) was very wrong because it’s “a slippery slope” to sin.

I used to think that everyone had to believe exactly how I did or it was a negative reflection on their Christian walk.

Therefore, I’d rate those books lower because they might be a “dangerous” influence to some readers.

Since then, I’ve learned that my problem was mixing up primary, secondary, and tertiary issues.

Primary issues deal with salvation. If you get those wrong, you get Jesus wrong and aren’t saved (things like Jesus is God and not just a created being).

Secondary issues are still important doctrinally, and I would not choose a church that disagrees with my secondary beliefs (speaking in tongues, type of baptism, women pastors, etc.). But someone who has different secondary beliefs can be saved.

Tertiary issues are minor things that do not keep me from worshipping in the same church (eschatology, drinking alcohol, Bible translations … and here would also fall dating beliefs).

In the circles I was raised, most preachers and friends held such dogmatic stances on tertiary issues that I was convinced they were primary issues (I literally heard someone say that if you got saved from any Bible other than the KJV, you weren’t saved—that is placing a tertiary issues on a primary platform and is wrong).

As I’ve put my primary, secondary, and tertiary beliefs in order, I’ve not only changed how strongly I feel about issues, but I’ve also realized the freedom I have to change what I practice.

And one of those was definitely holding hands and kissing before marriage.

Once I realized the Bible ONLY taught no s3x before marriage, I could no longer hold the books I read so strongly to the boundary of no kissing or hugging before marriage.

I also changed my personal practice when I was dating.

My now-husband and I did hold hands, hug, and kiss before marriage (and, unlike I was taught, it did not lead us down the slippery slope to sin because we were both committed to honor God and hold each other accountable).

Because these core beliefs have changed, that means they’re going to show up in my clean Christian beach romances.

And boy, do I have some heartwarming & sweet kiss scenes coming up! But you can be sure it always stops there.

If that’s what you like reading, then stay tuned because my prequel, Coasts & Coworkers, will be free!

In fact, I’m accepting ARC readers right now. You can sign up here! My goal is 75 readers and I’m current 10% to my final goal!

What’s something you used to do that you’re now willing to admit and are ashamed or embarrassed about? 🤭

“They’re just writing down their discontented daydreams.”

That was literally my thought anytime I met someone who wrote romances, whether they were single or married.

Now, I will be the first to say that I am very glad I didn’t write romances as a single woman.

Mostly because I was so messed up with purity + courtship culture mindsets (more posts on that coming), I didn’t know what a healthy romantic relationship looked like.

I didn’t understand that some women loved, well, love!

I didn’t understand that story ideas could come from the sheer enjoyment of a story, and not from discontentment of “I wish this is what my life was.”

So yeah. I judged, but mostly because I didn’t understand.

Now, it still feels a little weird to admit “I write Christian romances” because it feels so foreign (“who is this and what did you do to Amanda?”).

But now I’m beginning to understand Christian romance writers.

And the more I work on my first Christian beach romance series, the more I’m learning why I have the desire to write them.

I write because I love being married.

I write because I know what it’s like to find a good, godly man who loves you.

I write because I’ve learned how a boyfriend/husband can help me grow and balance in ways like never before.

I write because I believe that God designed romance to be a good thing.

I write because fiction is a great place to demonstrate all of that and give readers hope in what God can do in a relationship.

And added to those, I write because there are never enough clean, Christian romance books out there.

So yes, I’m joining the ranks of Christian romance writers. Not because of some discontented daydreams, but because I genuinely believe God is calling me to share some of the blessings He’s given me with others.

If you like clean, Christian romance set on an idyllic beach, then keep an eye out for my first-ever Amanda Tero Matthews book, Coasts & Coworkers (which, btw, will be free to anyone who gets my newsletter).

Are you a romance reader or writer? Why do you enjoy them?

This is the first post in a series where I’m unlearning purity culture, rediscovering God’s design for romance, and sharing how it led me to write my first Christian beach romance. I’d love for you to follow along.

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I was saved at seven years old.

I was also raised in a Christian home, so my life didn’t look much different before and after salvation.

Until I reached my teens.

By nature, I’m a rule follower. So when I heard legalistic Bible teachings, I drank them up.

It used to make me “feel holier” when I abstained from extrabiblical things (non-Christian movies and books, for example) or do extra spiritual disciplines (wake up an hour earlier just to pray).

They were visible, measurable actions to my young Christian mind. Maybe you can identify.

But in these things, one thing was missing.

The Holy Spirit’s guidance.

I was deceived into thinking a “good spiritual idea” meant God wanted me to do it.

I didn’t know how to discern the Spirit for myself, so I leaned on things spiritual leaders suggested.

Anytime I heard a sermon example of “this person did this spiritual discipline,” I immediately thought, “Oh, that’s what a good Christian looks like? I need to do that too.”

Anytime I heard “a good Christian would/would not,” I would apply it to my life, never stopping to see if it was truly in the Bible or just that preacher’s extra-Biblical interpretation.

I said I believed in John 14:6 (“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” ESV‬‬), but I forgot one thing.

Jesus Christ.

Alone.

Galatians 3 speaks to this very issue: “…Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning by the Spirit, are you now finishing by the flesh?” ‭‭(Galatians‬ ‭3‬:‭2‬-‭3‬ ‭CSB‬‬)

I got saved by placing my faith in Jesus, not by doing enough “good, Christian things.”

And that is the same way I should live my Christian life: by daily placing my faith in Jesus.

My salvation isn’t “made better” by applying rules He didn’t ask me to.

I am not more acceptable to Christ by cleaning up my life of “possible sins” (note: I do believe the Holy Spirit will guide us to repent of Biblically-defined sins).

My salvation is on Christ alone.

My sanctification is from Christ alone.

Colossians 2 explains it a bit deeper.

“If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations— “Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch” (referring to things that all perish as they are used)—according to human precepts and teachings? These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.” Colossians‬ ‭2‬:‭20‬-‭23‬ ‭ESV‬‬

It’s a long passage, so I’ll break it down quickly.

If we’re saved, why do we still adhere to external rules and laws?

Something can look like wisdom by promoting self-made religion (i.e. our works). We can live in asceticism (strict self-denial).

But they don’t stop our flesh.

In our modern age, this can look like many things.

Just a few examples from my life are:

• wearing certain clothes

• reading a specific Bible

• refusing to watch or read things that don’t align with our personal view of Christian application (an example from my teen years: not reading books where unmarried people kissed but went no further)

• being sure I spoke in a specific, “Christian” way

• going to church every time the doors were opened

• reading my Bible every day

And the list goes on.

None of these things are necessarily wrong.

But we can’t trust in these types of rules to save us or make us holier.

No amount of rule-following will save us.

And if we’re sanctified by the same means as salvation (Galatians 3), then no amount of rule-following will sanctify us either.

Many people follow rules and miss the Spirit.

I know, I was one of them.

A person with strong self control does not equal a saved person.

There will be many self-controlled people who don’t make it into heaven because they missed the Spirit.

Because a saved person has the Spirit controlling their self.

And trust me, it’s far scarier to be Spirit-led self-controlled than personal self-controlled.

Being Spirit-controlled means that we’re walking daily by faith.

It means God is sanctifying the “unseen” parts of our heart (the fruit of the Spirit, anyone? “…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians‬ ‭5‬:‭22‬-‭23‬ ‭ESV‬‬).

It’s not about “feeing holier,” it’s about learning more of God and allowing Him to change us.

It is more of Christ, less of me (“He must increase, but I must decrease.” John‬ ‭3‬:‭30‬ ‭ESV).

If you’ve been walking the rule-following line, I pray that this article has helped you think through a few things.

If you’re coming out of legalism, like me, and are trying to learn what the Bible actually teaches, I cheer you on.

I’d love to hear from you! Drop a comment and share which part of this article resonated with you.